


Trekkiestuck

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Female!Equius, Gen, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Other, Rule 63, Star Trek - Freeform, Trekkiestuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 18:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/982180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The eternal rivalry between ironic cosplayer Dirk Strider and Star Trek buff Equius Zahhak continues as they gear up for an even larger convention. Will they ever get past the fact that they've both dated Jake English to become friends? Will Caliborn ever stop making the weirdest misogynistic ships? Join the crew of the U.S.S. Who Gives a Fuck, it's continuing mission to explore strange new ships, seek out past love affairs and old flames, to boldly go where most shippers have never wanted to go before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trekkiestuck

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by a fill I wrote in Bonus Round 4 of Homestuck Shipping World Cup, so if you enjoy it, you can thank [Fickle](http://forceofconviction.tumblr.com/), the Friendleader of Team Dirkuu for the prompt that led to this.

uu: YOu REALLY ARE AN EASY BITCH, AREN’T YOu?  
CT: D-> Please refrain from profanity  
uu: NO, REALLY. I’M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE ANYONE CAN GET IN ON YOu.  
uu: ARE YOu GOING TO START SOLICITING DISGuSTING INDECENT RED INTERACTIONS BETWEEN uS AS WELL?  
CT: D-> Caliborn  
CT: D-> What is this about  
uu: THE STRIDER MAN. YOu’RE PITCH FOR HIM.  
CT: D-> I see  
CT: D-> This is more of your e%tremely pornographic and complicated shipping antics  
CT: D-> I am beginning to wish you had never discovered quadrant shipping  
CT: D-> Where did you even e%tract the deplorable concept from  
uu: YOu DON’T REMEMBER THE PANEL AT COMIC CON?  
uu: NEVERMIND. THE POINT IS THAT YOu WILL ENGAGE IN SEX ACTS WITH ANYONE.  
uu: IF YOu WANT TO BE AN EASY BITCH, HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE MY EASY BITCH.  
CT: D-> First of all, Jake English and I are e%clusive  
CT: D-> Secondly, you are my best friend  
CT: D-> Why I w001d willingly subject myself to you is a mystery  
uu: EQuIuS.  
uu: YOu WILL HOLD MY HAND AT THE NEXT CONVENTION WE ATTEND.

You shake your head. Is he actually commanding you to be affectionate? Sometimes you wonder if you have a masochistic streak and that’s why you put up with him. You double-check your calendar, then return to the pesterchat.

CT: D-> We are still on for the Las Vegas Star Trek Convention  
uu: IS THAT A QuESTION OR A STATEMENT? WOuLD IT KILL YOu TO uSE SOME PuNCTuATION?  
CT: D-> Perhaps you could attempt using the caps lock key  
CT: D-> It was a question  
uu: CAPS LOCK IS EASY MODE FOR GIRLS.  
uu: YES. WE WILL BE ATTENDING. YOu WILL LEAVE ENGLISH AT HOME.  
CT: D-> While I acknowledge your feelings, I suggest that Jake STRENGTHENS our chances of an e%ceptional e%hibition of Kanaya’s costuming skills.  
uu: WHEN DO I GET TO MEET THIS SEAMSTRESS OF YOuRS?  
CT: D-> I can’t advise that  
CT: D-> I believe she w001d take poorly to your frequent suggestion of engaging in 100d acts  
uu: SHE’S ATTRACTIVE THEN.

You can feel the devious wheels in his head turning and you groan. Why? If only you were something he found mildly repulsive or even just not ship worthy. Maybe if you were a man. Oddly, this is not the first time this week that the thought has crossed your mind that things would be extremely different if you were a man.

Unfortunately, you are not. You are Equius Zahhak, the only female mechanic in a small town, and your best friend and nerd-blood-brother enjoys shipping you in hot girl-on-girl action. You can’t even begin to describe how that makes you feel.

==> Be The Horrible Best Friend

You can’t be the horrible best friend because you’re too busy being the most awesome best friend ever. Your name is Caliborn and your room is a nerd paradise. The only problem is that you share it with your obnoxious sister. Calliope embodies everything that has ever been wrong with any fandom ever and you hate her for it. Plus she thinks she’s a better artist than you.

Fine art and Star Trek are two of the things you enjoy and share with your best friend. You think about pestering her some more, but you’re distracted by the wild clack of keys from across the room.

uu: WHAT ARE YOu TYPING OVER THERE? I CAN HEAR YOu POuNDING THOSE KEYS.  
UU: its none of yoUr business.  
uu: IS THIS ANOTHER OF THE ONLINE FRIENDS YOu REFuSE TO MEET WITH?  
UU: yoU have online friends, too.  
uu: I HAVE ACTuALLY MET EQuIuS IN PERSON. SHE IS A CHOICE BITCH.  
uu: YOu BACK OuT THE MINuTE SOMEONE SuGGESTS MEETING.  
UU: things were moving too fast with kankri  
uu: AND ROXY?  
UU: yes  
uu: YOu ARE NEVER GOING TO HAVE SEX.

You cackle inwardly at your sister’s social awkwardness. She can’t even bring herself to accompany you to a convention and you prefer it that way. You’re almost sure that if she met Equius and Jake, she would have disgusting friendfiction to write about them. You can hardly stand the actual relationship between those two, let alone anything your sister’s ‘erotic fiction’ might contain.

It is currently summer vacation and you have nothing better to do than annoy your friends and acquaintances. Speaking of which, your pesterchat pings to let you know another victim has signed on.

uu: SO STRIDER. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE VIOLATED?  
TT: What are you talking about?  
uu: OH. SORRY. YOu AGREED TO IT.  
TT: Still got no clue what you’re going on about, Bro.  
uu: YOuR INDECENT DISPLAY WITH EQuIuS.  
uu: LETTING AN ENTIRE CONVENTION WITNESS YOuR BLACK DEPRAVITY.  
TT: Black depravity?  
uu: YES. YOuR EMBARASSMENT AT BEING CAuGHT WAS DELICIOuS.  
TT: Oh. This again.  
TT: Look, we weren’t in character. That was an accident.

You are never going to let this go. It’s much too fun to antagonize him about the whole affair. When he refuses to play your games, you bombard him with images of what you feel the aftermath of their Klingon mating should have looked like. You’ve even decided what their children would look like. It is the only thing you’ve ever managed to make Strider lose his cool with. The man is an iceberg.

uu: I AM GOING TO BE YOuR CHILD’S GODFATHER.  
uu: NO. WAIT. I AM GOING TO BE YOuR CHILD’S STEP-FATHER.  
uu: BECAuSE WHEN ENGLISH LEAVES THAT SLuT I WILL BE THERE TO HOLD HER HAND  
uu: AND NEVER LEAVE HER SIDE.  
uu: I WILL RAISE YOuR CHILD TO HATE YOu, STRIDER.  
uu: AND EQuIuS WILL HELP ME.  
TT: Wow. Do you even know how babies are made? How old are you?  
uu: OF COuRSE I DO! MY AGE IS uNIMPORTANT!

You scowl as you notice the presence hovering just behind your left shoulder. Your sister is once more reading your conversation. Your aggravation only deepens when she opens her mouth with her usual affected English accent. You can’t stand that.

“Well, then. Does Equius know that you’re a minor?” She questions.

You’re 16. That’s BARELY under age. What does it matter anyways? “Does mom know about your erotic friendfiction collection?” She frowns at the mention of her writings and backs away. That always seems to work.

TT: Let me guess. The talk with your dad went something like this.  
TT: Well son, when a man and a woman hate each other very much  
TT: Shit. I bet your dad types like you. Let me try this again.  
TT: WELL SON, WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN HATE EACH OTHER VERY MuCH  
uu: STOP THAT THIS INSTANT. I TOLD YOu I KNOW.  
uu: WAIT. IS THIS YOUR STuPID COMPuTER TALKING AGAIN?  
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 98% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.  
TT: Shit.  
uu: I DEMAND THAT YOu PuT THE REAL STRIDER ON RIGHT NOW.  
TT: Not happening.  
uu: YOu WILL MAKE THE REAL STRIDER TALK TO ME NOW.  
TT: Just checked with him and yeah, he still doesn’t want to talk to you. I can’t imagine why since you’re such a sweet guy. You don’t try to degrade him at all. Oh yeah. And you’re best friends with Equius which totally isn’t a reason to ignore you.  
uu: TELL HIM THAT WE WILL BE AT STAR TREK VEGAS.  
uu: AND TO BRING HIS CREW.

==> Be The Iceberg Man

Technically your name is Dirk Strider, but you’ll accept that like an iceberg, 90% of yourself is hidden under an extremely cool layer of irony. You’ve actually been watching your auto-responder quip with Caliborn, but you have no intention of stepping in to this. His childishness doesn’t faze you. Then he mentions Star Trek Vegas. There’s no way that their presence is going to scare you away from the biggest Star Trek convention in the world.

You toy with the idea of going as an Andorian just to mess with Jake. Nah. You still have that sexy costume and the blue body paint, but the irony of dressing in it after he’s left you is too straightforward. Maybe you could taunt your favorite eternal rival and go in full Klingon battle regalia? She might like that too much… 

It’s not that you really hate Equius. Maybe if Jake hadn’t fallen out of love with you and in love with her so quickly, you could have grudgingly accepted her. Really, she’s just his type – a tough, no-nonsense lady adventurer. The fact that her “best friend” grates your nerves seals the deal on wanting little to do with her though. That and your Strider pride.

Exactly what crew is Caliborn referring to? Roxy and Sollux maybe? You wouldn’t exactly call them your ‘crew’. Sollux is more like Roxy’s hate-boyfriend. At least that’s how you think of him. One minute they’ll be snapping at each other, arguing about codes and the best way to hack a database, then all of a sudden they’ll be half undressed and you have to yell at them not to do that shit in your apartment.

If you’re bringing them, it looks like you get to be Captain Dirk once more. Roxy refuses to go in anything but her Federation issue miniskirt uniform. And so the intrepid crew of the U.S.S. Who Gives A Fuck once more embarks on an epic journey, it’s mission to compete in costumed rivalry with whatever the hell Equius plans on dressing her team as.

You probably ought to start things by contacting your first officer – well, you suspect in this scenario she’s your first officer. You don’t really have other people clambering for the spot. Your relationship with Jane has been a little rocky since the two of you started growing apart and that means Roxy is pretty much your only friend. 

You don’t like to think about the heiress to the baking empire or how you both lost the battle for apparently the most coveted man in the world. You coated that bridge in blue body paint and watched it burn like a gasoline-soaked rag. She’ll still exchange awkward emails with you, send you Christmas cards, but nothing is ever the same. You can’t even commiserate with her in loss because you HAD Jake for a while. You don’t realize the number that your thumb has reflexively typed until it’s too late. You intended to call Roxy, but it’s not her number that’s going through.

“Hi Mr. Crocker… Is Jane in by any chance?”

==> Be The Chief Engineer

Dammit, Jim. You’re a mechanic, not an engineer! You’re running a little short on miracles, as well. That’s always been more Gamzee’s department. You’ve just gotten off the phone with Kanaya. As usual, you had to listen to her lament the casual clothing choices Caliborn makes even though she’s only ever seen two or three photos of him and always in the same outfit. He DOES wear suspenders and a bowtie with a t-shirt, but you don’t really care much about that. You were never really into fashion.

No matter how she pleads with you to let her teach this poor soul how to properly dress himself, you have no intention of facilitating THAT meeting. The charming, eloquent woman who reads gothic vampire fiction should NEVER be introduced to the one friend you are, on occasion, ashamed to admit you know. Their very first words to each other, you are sure, would set them at odds and once that had happened, you’d probably be staving off Caliborn’s suggestions that you drop Jake and begin dating Kanaya.

What he doesn’t know is who, against your better judgment, you’ve decided to bring with you this time. Two people an away team does not make, so you have opted for the one woman you wanted Caliborn to meet even less than Kanaya.

“Hey!” She hugs you on sight, as always too cheerful and affectionate for the situation. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

“I suppose it has. A little over two years…”

“Two years, three months, one week and four days to be exact. How have you been?”

“I’ve moved on, if that’s what you’re asking. What we had was… Well, it was odd.”

She looks the same as the last time you saw her, all chestnut waves and cream, but underneath her well-bred good looks she’s not the girl you thought you knew. Dating her had shown that you didn’t know anything about her at all, believing her to be reserved, calm, perhaps stoic even. Now you know better. She brings life to everything she does… She just doesn’t belong in yours. Well, not that way at least.

“So… You need me for something, don’t you?”

“Aradia, I know that you’re more of a Star Wars fan… And things between us haven’t been exemplary since our experiment of a relationship… But would you consider being my first officer again?”

She doesn’t answer you at first and you’re almost sure that she’s about to say no. That was the most ridiculous thing you could have ever said. It ALMOST sounded like a marriage proposal. Or maybe even a proposition for picking up where you broke off. “When, where, how long and can I bring Tavros?”

==> Be That One Guy

You are now Kankri Vantas. That probably wasn’t who you were trying to be, but regardless it has happened. You might remind yourself to check your privilege, thinking you have any control over whom, in a narrative context, with trigger warnings, of course, for fatalism, you will in fact be. Honestly, you could give an entire sermon- you mean lesson – on this whole situation, but there are more pressing matters that require your attention.

counteredGrievances (CG)  began pestering UranianUmbra (UU) 

CG: I d9n’t understand why y9u w9n’t agree t9 have this c9nversati9n in pers9n.  
CG: In fact, I am slightly triggered that y9u seem t9 be em6arrassed t9 meet with me face t9 face.  
CG: I believe I have tagged all 9f my p9ssi6ly triggering physical features and c9mm9n 69dy language.  
UU: oh no!  
UU: it’s not yoU, kankri. i’m afraid that i am qUite Unattractive. U.U  
CG: I have n9ted y9ur warnings and will take them int9 c9nsideration. I see n9 reason why we can’t c9ntinue this disc9urse in a pu6lic setting, trigger warnings f9r ag9raph96ia and h9t 6everages, perhaps 9ver c9ffee.  
UU: :U yoU’re leaving me little choice here, aren’t yoU? then perhaps we coUld meet, bUt in a setting where costUming is appropriate? trigger warnings for large gatherings and masks I sUppose?  
CG: I 6elieve this w9uld 6e an accepta6le c9mpr9mise. N9w all9w me t9 c9ntinue 9ur previ9us discussi9n 9n s9cial dich9t9my and d9u6le standards within p9pular science ficti9n, 6eginning with a list 9f trigger warnings f9r p9ssi6le t9pics 9f interest.  
UU: i would love to! bUt my brother is cUrrently proving himself to be qUite the nUisance. forgive me for stepping away.

You wonder exactly what kind of costumed setting your avid pupil is planning on meeting in. Through warnings and tags, you’ve already learned that she is several years younger than you, but that really doesn’t matter. You only intend to take her in under your wing, teach her how to make her way through life without treading on the hopes and dreams of others.


End file.
